If you’re here for comics stuff, you’ll probably want to skip this one. Loyal readers know that I suffer from depression, sometimes severely, and this has to do with my headmeats, rather than cool stuff. I’ll review something or yammer at you later, I promise.
I hate doctors. Sometime, long ago, when my brain was still forming, I created some neural pathways that associate doctors with VERY BAD THINGS. Years later, I’d still rather shove a piece of wasabi coated cayenne pepper into my sinuses than go to a doctor. But I had heard really good things about Dr. [redacted for his/her protection, as I may change my mind], so an appointment was scheduled, and my partner and I went.
I have been on anti-depressants in the past. I did not care for the experience. It stabilized me, sure, but the side effects were somewhat crippling. Every so often, it would feel like all the cells in my brain were firing at the same time, and literally jolt me. In addition, there were some sexual side effects. I had extreme difficulty achieving orgasm. Instead, I would be almost there, for basically the entire time I was having sex. WITH NO ORGASM. Frustrating, to say the least.
I eventually weaned off of that drug, and went back to…nothing. The brain zaps stopped, and so did the lack of orgasm, but the depression came back. Dr. [redacted] was kind enough to listen to these complaints about drugs, and offered a compromise. We did some blood tests, and I agreed that if my vitamin D levels weren’t low, we’d talk about drugs. If they were, we’d try vitamin D therapy.
Starting today, I’m on 4000 International Units of vitamin D. (I assume that’s something like 378 17/135ths in Stupid American Units. I do love the metric system.) We’ll see how this goes. It may be that the vitamins will clear things up, as low vitamin D levels have been linked to depression. Or, maybe in a few weeks or months, it’ll be clear that my brain is extra broken, and we’ll look at drugs.
I really don’t want to do the drugs.
Look, I take medication daily, just to keep living. I’m type I diabetic, and have been for two thirds of my life. I am not against the idea of drugs treating illnesses. It’s not even the side effects, really. I can deal with the occasional brain zap. The sex thing is difficult, but I’m sure that with enough experimentation, we’ll be able to figure something out.
I’m afraid of the drugs making me boring.
I’m a writer by avocation. Writing stories and comics and that sort of thing has gotten me through some pretty rough times. I’m not published in any way other than on this here blog, but I’m working as hard as I can to fix that.
There’s this idea in writing that a good author is crazy. That madness, of one sort or another, is what drives an author to write. I’ve occasionally felt that the stories in my head were trying to claw their way out. Without madness, some of us think, the urge to create will go away. I’ll be boring.
I know that it’s not true. I know that many writers are sane, stable people. I know a couple, even. But I’m still terrified that I’ll lose whatever it is that drives me to tell stories. For whatever reason, in my own, clearly malfunctioning brain, taking vitamins won’t drive out that urge.
I hope I’m right.